Public Affair?

I’ve been meaning to post pictures of my terrible skin. Then I hesitated for a long time. Like a month actually. I finally got over it and posted it for the world to see. Then I linked it to my Facebook. Gasp! I was wondering for a while why I felt so opposed to sharing the pictures. Then I figured it out! Then I surprised myself. Again. I’ve been doing that a lot lately – figuring out parts of myself I have overlooked before.

The reason I hesitated: Do I really want to be portrayed like that?

See the thing with social media is that we all post our highlights. Everybody’s life seems better on social media, be it Facebook, Instagram, etc etc. We only share what is interesting. We only share the pictures we look good in. Everybody seems to have it going on, if you just look at their public social media. I am super guilty of this. Then TSW hits, and I don’t really have any highlights in my life. My life is kind of depressing. People ask me how I am doing, and I have nothing to say – it’s the same everyday. I wake up after struggling to sleep, I look shitty, I feel shitty, I spend time – rather I pass time, just waiting for this to be over already- doing whatever. I dread going to sleep because: 1. I know I will wake up in an itch fit at least once throughout the “night” (I use night lightly since I’ve been going to sleep anywhere from 4-8am) 2. I dread waking up because I will be oozing and dry all at the same time and I have to face the reality and it sucks.

So if that’s my life, what do I say? What do I post on FB that will make me look good?

It seems that lately I care more about what other people think. There are pros and cons, but in this case, I think it’s more a con. I’ve always prided on being an honest person. Brutally honest. And yet, here I am, wanting to put a positive spin on my life, wanting to seem like my life is more awesome than others. Wanting to invoke jealousy in other humans. That’s not to say I have nothing to be grateful for – I do. And that post will happen soon. But overall, at least on paper, my life is shitty and I don’t want people to know. hmmm. When did I become like this? When did I start wanting to present my life to be better and more exciting compared to others?

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.

Happy one month to me!

It has been a month now! You go Esther! Or something. My skin has been getting worse, slowly. I think. I try not to think about it and I try not to stand in front of a mirror and analyze it. That said, I certainly seem to be oozing more than I had before.

My friends have been wonderful, checking up on me, and offering to visit. I feel bad because I feel I have nothing to offer them in return. I need to man up and see some humans, but my face had been getting worse and worse, which makes me want to just stay in bed and watch Grey’s anatomy. I am oozing on my face, neck, parts of torso and back of my knees. When my bare skin touches things, I feel icky and uncomfortable. Showers are starting to sting more. Thank God I don’t have to study for school during this part of my life.

On a happier note, everything seems to be getting worked out. Except rent situation because a girl said she would do it, then backed out. I don’t know her story, but from my side, it’s more than just an inconvenience to me- it pisses me off, especially because there were people who were interested in subletting from me that we turned down. Wtf man -_- but so it goes and I will look for people again. Ugh! It’s nearly zero week!! Ok I am simmering down now.

deserving of love?

Disclaimer – mainly for the sake of the boy that I know reads this blog: the following sentiments ebbs and flows and I am coming to terms with it more. I thought it was important enough to document and explore this idea- hence the blog post, as it is a big part of TSW. That said I spend most days without wallowing in self pity.

I am in a relationship with an awesome human. I can’t say enough good things about him.
I have been spending my days with my kindle fire. The glassy black surface of the tablet functions like a mirror.

These two things are related because everytime I catch glimpses of my face on its black reflective surface, I cringe. I cringe and feel really unworthy of love. I feel bad for him and wonder what he could possibly be getting out being in a relationship with an ugly, sick girl.

There, I said it. Ugly. I am actually having a visceral reaction typing that word. Ugly. Yikes. What a loaded word. My parents always joke I was an ugly baby, and I had my fair share of awkward teen years, but ugly isn’t a word I use to describe myself, ever. I’ve been pretty confident of how I look for quite some time now- even objectively, I know I’m at least average looking, and I relish in the knowledge that I am not ugly. I’m actually vain about it sometimes- when I know I look good, I will take all the selfies and check myself out on all the reflective surfaces. Lately, however, I’ve been avoiding all reflective surfaces because my face looks really, really bad. My skin is either red or flaky, or both. My face is so swollen that my eyes look like two slits. It’s either oozing in places or crusted over. I look like hell.

It surprises me, how seeing my transformed face sends me reeling in hopelessness and depression. I always asserted that my confidence was rooted in knowledge of whose I am, not who I am. I really thought that was the root of it all. Well, apparently I was lying. I’m having difficulty teasing out feeling confident in who I am- which I guess ties into sense of worth… Or something I haven’t entirely figured it out yet- and feeling beautiful. For me, confidence and feeling pretty is so intricately linked that while I know I can- and should- I don’t know how to separate them. Furthermore, feeling beautiful then directly affects whether I feel I am deserving of love.

I know that I am more than how I look. I know I am funny, opinionated, empathetic, weird, spontaneous, loving, compassionate, etc, etc that makes me fun to be around and great to have as a friend. And I think I can be ugly and still be loved by my friends. Relationships, however, apparently is a whole another beast. I say apparently because I had no idea this is how I felt about myself.

Perhaps I should preface by saying I 100% believe that ugly people can meet someone and be super happy together. Hell, I don’t even know what I consider to be ugly because I very very rarely, if ever, look at someone and go, “wow that random human is ugly!” Nor do I think that “ugly” people are undeserving of love, because what kind of horrible person would you have to be to think that?!

So why is it that when it comes to me, I am that horrible person, thinking, “because you are currently ugly, you are undeserving of romantic love.” Why is it that I feel, maybe if he wasn’t so good to me, then I would feel more deserving of the relationship? Why is it that with everybody else, being a good human is the only prerequisite for me to wishing them a happy, fulfilling love life, but for me I have to be hot as well?

Why is being ugly take precedence over all the other awesome attributes about myself?

Intelligence, curiosity, empathy, drive, ambition, work ethic, generosity – why is the combination of these traits not enough to overcome the one fault of being ugly? I’m not saying that I am perfect- I am so far from that- but I am a decent human- at least I try really hard to be. The fundamentals of my core belief state that Creator of the universe deems me worthy of life of His Son. But yet, looking less than average means a boy can’t possibly find something else about me that is worthy of love.

Wtf Esther.

Ultimately, I am astonished at myself. Astonished that I, who call herself a feminist, who can teach a class on negative effects of media, who frequent self love blogs, and most importantly who claimed that my self worth came from God, would let changes of my face to define my worth and deny myself of love.

Tsw relief trial and error: grapeseed oil

Got itchy so took a bath in warm water + grapeseed oil. It was really nice during, but now that I am out it stings a bit and I am itchy! I’m not sure if the two is directly related. I do feel moisturized though. Currently laying on ice packs, which seem to provide me consistent relief.

On an unrelated note, there are patches of pubic hair missing from incessant itching. Tmi? Sorry not sorry :D

9/11 & MCAT

I took the mcat today! I have no idea how I did. Probably worse than I would have done if I didn’t get sick. Oh well. It did seem like a waste of the months I spent struggling and studying hard but that is how life goes! I was actually pretty itchy and uncomfortable during the test, which was unfortunate. Due to temperature deregulation I have going on, I was freezing as well. It was so cold in there even though I was wearing long sleeves and a jacket. Double oh well.

On a more happier note, I bought a mini trampoline!!!!! People on the forum recommended helping the lymph system to reduce the amount ooze I seem to be secreting all.the.time now. The vertical motion of jumping on trampoline is apparently one of the best things you can do for your lymph system! I love trampoline!! I seem to get overheated and uncomfortable jumping on it fairly quickly, but it made me so happy!! Feeling carefree and happy doesn’t come as often in the midst of tsw so I am holding on to that as long as I can!

Also on a happier note, my sublet problem seems to be working itself out! And I saw the boy today! And I am blessed with my family and friends!

Perhaps I have many more reason to be happy after all, I just gotta remind myself. Here’s (hopefully) to a somewhat sane and restful night!

Ps. I feel that I should write about 9/11 or something, but honestly I am too tired and caught up in my own life to reflect deeply about it. Such is my life… but more things to be thankful for, and Obama for love of all that is good in the world, do not spark the fire for world war three. Thanks.

Still middle of week 3

At my parent’s insistence, I have decided to move back home. While I didn’t want to so soon, it is nice being home. I decided to take a shower this morning and skip moisturizing, because there are research and anecdotes saying you heal faster that way. While that may be the case, it was too uncomfortable for me. So far cream I got from the doctor and the cream the Boy gave me doesn’t sting to bad. Thank God. I’m looking into getting coconut oil and shea butter, but the cost adds up and my skin is so fickle. I never know when it decided it will no longer tolerate something.

After I announced that I will be taking a year off on Facebook, the support has been overwhelming. I guess it’s true hard times will show you who your good friend are. As I continue on with this journey, I have a feeling that I will become indebted to a lot of my friends. I love them long time!

Even though it hasn’t even been a month yet, skin, and consequently life, sucks so much sometimes. I have resorted to avoiding most reflective surfaces. I know I can, but sometimes I don’t know how I will live like this for another year or two. /self pity

Everywhere I go I leave behind a trail of skin flakes. It’s amazing how much skin I shed. I think I read you shed 9 million skin cells in a day… I think I shed that much in few hours! I am losing weight as well. I’m not sure if it’s just muscle, or it’s because my adrenal glands are messed up. only time will tell! Meanwhile as soon as I am able to, I’ll start squatting, since my covered butt is one of the only things worth looking at lately ;)

Middle of week 3

My skin, why have you forsaken me?

I actually haven’t look in the mirror all day since I know it looks terrible. I feel terrible. I am oozing where my skin is folding and touching, worst being neck and bottom corners of my face and where neck meets face. Every morning I wake up with my eyes crusted over. Hydroxyzine and gabapetin combo must be working since I slept through most of my nights the past couple of days. Two nights ago, my groin was hurting so bad- stinging and burning- I was crying and writhing in pain. Thankfully, brain diminishes the terror, allowing me to continue on with my withdrawal. i am, however, extra cautious and remind myself to be gentle when scratching. I’m not sure when this first flare will let up. I know I used a lot of TS on my face, which is a big nono, so I will probably suffer there a lot, but I can’t help but hope it will be milder. I just wish my eyes aren’t swollen so it goes back to its original round, double eye lid shape, not this slit I have now.

The Beginning – wk2

Here I am, 5:23am, unable to sleep. YAY burning and stinging sensation in my groin area! Tmi?? Sorry, you should probably get used to it, as topical steroid withdrawal isn’t the prettiest of things, and I intend on sharing all the gory aspects. I apologize in advance :)

So, it is official. I have been diagnosed with steroid addiction by Dr.Rapaport. Even though I expected it, it was strangely intimidating/cathartic to hear it out in the open. He gave me hydroxyzine and gabapetin for sleep and easing the itching and burning. I’m very wary of drugs and I already know hydroxyzine, or any other antihistamines for that matter, fails to makes me drowsy, which makes me even more reluctant. I also have a patch test going on in my back, which is spectacularly itchy and burning. The visit ended up costing a LOT OF MONEY since I am without insurance. Yikes.

I am so, so lucky to have the support of my family and the boy. I have officially decided to withdraw for from school for a year so that I can focus on withdrawing from TS. Now I just gotta figure out all the logistics of it. I am so relieved I will not have to go through the hardest year of my college career while being extremely sick at the same time. I just gotta stick it through MCAT (of which studying went to hell thanks to constant discomfort, lack of sleep, and overall reduced desire to function….ah shit) and  CalTeach internship for da moneyz.

So far gabapetin didn’t do much for me. I look like a scary monster. My eyes are so swollen seeing gets complicated and I’m oozing in places. Super attractive… Poor boy he had no idea what was coming. To be fair, neither did I.