deserving of love?

Disclaimer – mainly for the sake of the boy that I know reads this blog: the following sentiments ebbs and flows and I am coming to terms with it more. I thought it was important enough to document and explore this idea- hence the blog post, as it is a big part of TSW. That said I spend most days without wallowing in self pity.

I am in a relationship with an awesome human. I can’t say enough good things about him.
I have been spending my days with my kindle fire. The glassy black surface of the tablet functions like a mirror.

These two things are related because everytime I catch glimpses of my face on its black reflective surface, I cringe. I cringe and feel really unworthy of love. I feel bad for him and wonder what he could possibly be getting out being in a relationship with an ugly, sick girl.

There, I said it. Ugly. I am actually having a visceral reaction typing that word. Ugly. Yikes. What a loaded word. My parents always joke I was an ugly baby, and I had my fair share of awkward teen years, but ugly isn’t a word I use to describe myself, ever. I’ve been pretty confident of how I look for quite some time now- even objectively, I know I’m at least average looking, and I relish in the knowledge that I am not ugly. I’m actually vain about it sometimes- when I know I look good, I will take all the selfies and check myself out on all the reflective surfaces. Lately, however, I’ve been avoiding all reflective surfaces because my face looks really, really bad. My skin is either red or flaky, or both. My face is so swollen that my eyes look like two slits. It’s either oozing in places or crusted over. I look like hell.

It surprises me, how seeing my transformed face sends me reeling in hopelessness and depression. I always asserted that my confidence was rooted in knowledge of whose I am, not who I am. I really thought that was the root of it all. Well, apparently I was lying. I’m having difficulty teasing out feeling confident in who I am- which I guess ties into sense of worth… Or something I haven’t entirely figured it out yet- and feeling beautiful. For me, confidence and feeling pretty is so intricately linked that while I know I can- and should- I don’t know how to separate them. Furthermore, feeling beautiful then directly affects whether I feel I am deserving of love.

I know that I am more than how I look. I know I am funny, opinionated, empathetic, weird, spontaneous, loving, compassionate, etc, etc that makes me fun to be around and great to have as a friend. And I think I can be ugly and still be loved by my friends. Relationships, however, apparently is a whole another beast. I say apparently because I had no idea this is how I felt about myself.

Perhaps I should preface by saying I 100% believe that ugly people can meet someone and be super happy together. Hell, I don’t even know what I consider to be ugly because I very very rarely, if ever, look at someone and go, “wow that random human is ugly!” Nor do I think that “ugly” people are undeserving of love, because what kind of horrible person would you have to be to think that?!

So why is it that when it comes to me, I am that horrible person, thinking, “because you are currently ugly, you are undeserving of romantic love.” Why is it that I feel, maybe if he wasn’t so good to me, then I would feel more deserving of the relationship? Why is it that with everybody else, being a good human is the only prerequisite for me to wishing them a happy, fulfilling love life, but for me I have to be hot as well?

Why is being ugly take precedence over all the other awesome attributes about myself?

Intelligence, curiosity, empathy, drive, ambition, work ethic, generosity – why is the combination of these traits not enough to overcome the one fault of being ugly? I’m not saying that I am perfect- I am so far from that- but I am a decent human- at least I try really hard to be. The fundamentals of my core belief state that Creator of the universe deems me worthy of life of His Son. But yet, looking less than average means a boy can’t possibly find something else about me that is worthy of love.

Wtf Esther.

Ultimately, I am astonished at myself. Astonished that I, who call herself a feminist, who can teach a class on negative effects of media, who frequent self love blogs, and most importantly who claimed that my self worth came from God, would let changes of my face to define my worth and deny myself of love.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “deserving of love?

  1. I feel you esther.
    I have tsw only on face and your post nailed it.
    I feel like i dont deserve to be with anyone because i am ugly.
    I never had eczema as a child but.fell into the ts trap because i was vain. I wish i could go.back in time but funny how things dont happen that way.

  2. Man this post hit the spot.

    It so accurately describes how I feel at the moment every time I see myself in the mirror. For me, it is when I compare my face to what it was 5 years ago that I feel this version of me doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone. Part of it also comes from the idea that if I was the one on the other side of a potential relationship I wouldn’t want to be committed to that person if I didn’t know what the end result would be (sorry but this is the damn hard truth inside my mind. I’m not that bad a person I swear =).

    Yet I know that a person is more than just bad skin. That a person’s personality isn’t affected by what they look like. Like you Esther, I believe myself to be funny, weird, and perceptive person and I know that even though I may be acting a bit depressed, that version of me is still alive underneath my skin (maybe if I scratch harder, he’ll appear..kidding!)

    Ultimately, like you, I want to believe that I’m worthy of a relationship regardless of what my skin may be like. It’s all up in your mind about what you choose to believe and think about. Keep going at it ay Esther (happy for you that you managed to find someone who loves you regardless :D)

    • Yeah for sure! It seems a lot of people seem to resonate with this post. Or been told that I’m “just a shell of what I used to be” and I replied “no no my core is the same it’s only the shell that changed!”
      This journey is difficult for so much more reasons than just pain- it seriously fucks with your mind. I’ve been so lucky to find someone who is supportive but even then I can’t help but feel bad for the guy because I feel I’m not doing enough for him. In the end I think we just need to remember it is all temporary and this too shall pass! Good luck healing and keep me posted!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s