I was always the busy one. The one who was taking way too many classes, involved in multiple extracurricular activities, who slept too little (which, let’s be honest, I probably could’ve avoided that majority of the times by becoming more organized with my time), and stressed out too much. And yet I always compared myself to those who were still doing more than me, frequently feeling inadequate. At the same time, however, I relished in the knowledge that I was involved, busy, doing stuff. All the things I was involved with gave me meaning. It gave me a sense of purpose. It shaped my identity.
I loved it when people asked me how I did all the things I was doing. I loved knowing that I was going somewhere in life. If that makes me sound like a dick, then it’s because I was one. Sure, I didn’t let others know how I felt, because it makes me seem like a terrible person, but deep inside, it was how I felt.
Lately, I don’t do much. I’m basically unemployed with very little responsibility. It is really nice, in a way. However, the lack of activities have me feeling lost. I feel like a failure knowing everybody else is moving forward while I am left behind. Life is on survival mode, I live one day at a time. Life is on pause for me.
Today, the boy told me that he was learning to operate on a pig for his research. He is being a rock star scientist and I am so happy and proud of him. Right after the text, I finally figured out how to knit the purl stitch and became ecstatic. It was kind of sad and pathetic. I took my victory, though, because I’ll take whatever I can get! The point is, knitting is really meaningless and kind of pointless. And so I need to learn to find my meaning and identity that is separate from all the stuff I am doing (or not) and how busy I am (or not), lest I am left in a pool of sadness and existential crisis
I am hoping as I continue on this journey, I will learn to be at peace when I feel like an unproductive, incompetent member of society, because all the stuff I do… in the end that’s not what I should derive my meaning from. I mean, be busy, and productive, and all, but I’m hoping I will get distance I need to separate my worth from the busyness of it all when it is time for me to go back to school. Understand I am worthy regardless of how much stuff I am doing or not doing.
Now, It’s back to knitting for me! (Can I just say I got really good at it in the last twenty four hours? Woo go me!)